you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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