Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
