Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
