Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize