I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
