I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
