Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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