Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
