chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Randomize
