So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
