She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
40s are totally the cure
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
