I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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