K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
