you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
