It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
