i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
