My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
