We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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