I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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