just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
