Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
