dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
