you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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