Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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