I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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