He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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