Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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