Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
