My underwear smells like fireworks.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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