can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
