i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
