You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
