I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
