i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
