I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
