The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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