i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
