I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
