Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
