I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
