I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
