so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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