so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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