Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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