Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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