Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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