News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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