she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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