I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
