He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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