found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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